I was born in England,when I was 7 and the eldest my father died. Logically, today anyone would advise a widow with 5 children to live the rest of her life with her children in England. Back then in 1988, people gave the same advise but on different grounds.
The grounds were you have no one to support you financially in Pakistan, you have 3 daughters how will you financially support them and get them married there, you get benefits here you will have to earn in Pakistan and it won't be enough, etc.
My mother had the same answer,' I will be safe there!! it is my country I am safe there! I am a first class citizen there!'
And so in 1993 my family being a young widow with her 5 children moved to Islamabad, Pakistan.
We lived there 10 years, an average family, where the head of family had to work to bring bread for the family. Not like the Ptv dramas where the head of family is earning and we are living in mansions. But every night I would see how content my mother was, not for a second did she ever regret her decision.
I remember my teenage as a beautiful time, where in the summers every year the whole street would come out, the women would go for a small walk up and down the street, chatting and laughing, the men would sit in small groups discussing politics and us children, we had small groups at the end of the street playing badminton, in the middle cricket and at the top those who wanted to would cycle around the area.
Everyone in the street would leave their main doors open and be in the street.
When ramadan was here it was like a festival every day,just before iftari everyone would be out at the main door waiting for the adaan, not that we never had tvs or radios but as lets listen to the mosque, waiting for the first adaan from any mosque to open fast quickly.
And once that was over the women, men and children would all go for tirawi, different mosques or homes or some even shopping but it was everyone doing everything together atmosphere. It was safe, the streets, the roads, the city. I was a first class citizen, my mother had made the right decision.
I came back to England in 2005, when I came back to the same area we were living before we left all my mums friends and their children would talk to me as I was very backward and knew nothing. After a small period I proved it all wrong and then would be so proud of the decision my mum took and would happily say 'when I have children I will take them too, never will I raise them in England'.
Then slowly Pakistan made it to the headlines every second day, not in a good way. Slowly I got tired of making excuses and blaming politics and people, I just found the easy way if any one would ask you are a Pakistani? the answer was ' No! I only lived there, my mum took us, not like I would ever go there'.
Today after so many years, I spoke to someone in Pakistan, I spoke to them and after a while they said please pray as now it feels as no one is safe here!!
Then spoke to some else a minute into the talk was please pray for Pakistan, circumstances really not good.
And so my evening went by speaking to many Pakistani's all praying for peace and safety!
I still can not get my head around this a country 15 years ago where a widow can turn to with 5 small children being the most secure place has changed to a country I don't even know!! The place to where I could run and be safe like my mother had told us.
What has happened? How have we allowed this to happen? Where is that pride we had to show who we are? How do we fix this?? Do I wait for a someone else to clear this mess up?
Is everything beyond my control? why can I not like my mum say 'I will be safe there, it is my country'? Am I playing my role, doing my fair share? Or am I treating it like, its a country I have nothing to do with and sitting i my cosy sofa watching tv and blaming others and politics for what is happening?
One thing I know, is the moment I have stopped saying Pakistan and changed it to 'My country' I am changing the way I think and feel about it. And I will bring a change to it.
